I called it. Kindof.
I KNEW going into 2014 (Year of the Contender), there would be definite sacrifices, brutal battles, and acts of survival... because of having a new baby. What I DIDN'T know was that all of this would be true... but not because of a new baby.
Little Nohie (his story) has been one incredible baby. He's 6mths now. So mellow, happy, a great eater and sleeper... and predictable. He's been a beautiful boy - and apparently, the universe knew I needed an easy-going baby.
This year's struggle was elsewhere, in all other faucets. I can easily say that 2014 was the worst year... even with 5 days left in it. Once New Years Eve comes, I will stand with whatever is left in me and joyously, with tears streaming down my face, count down to shut down this year.
To explain all that has happened, I fear won't do any of it justice (then again, I don't believe it deserves any). I only wish you knew. During this year, I lost the will to truly live. Not in the way of ending my own life, but just being a shell. Completely lifeless. Going day in and day out. 2014, I morn the death of my spirit.
2015 is around the corner - it was Mid-December and I knew what the new year's theme was going to be. Setting the stage:
There was a span of a few mornings in November - I woke up feeling drained, looked at the clock: 5:45am... and went about my day. It happened again the following morning - woke up feeling drained, looked at the clock: 5:45am... AGAIN!
Where the hell did my day go? What did I even do yesterday? Waking up and apparently living each day these past few months in a drone-like state. That was an unfortunate variable in this new year's theme.
But it was late November, when I was truly inspired and Robert "Bob" Chase was the biggest catalyst. Bob fell seriously ill around Thanksgiving... passing a few weeks later (on his 68th birthday). I loved and adored him - no one will ever understand how he impacted by life during and after his own.
On the day of his service, with much heartache, I had my own private time to say goodbye. It was then, during that drizzling afternoon, sitting on the bench near his new resting place - I knew it.
2015: Year of Intent
I lost myself this year. With Bob's passing, I was reminded again that really, life is short and the moments should matter. So many emotions raged from that - scared, anxious... and inspired.
This year, I will live my eulogy.
“living eulogy.
she danced.
she sang. she took.
she gave.
she loved.
she created.
she dissented. she enlivened.
she saw. she grew. she sweated.
she changed.
she learned. she laughed.
she shed her skin.
she bled on the pages of her days,
she walked through walls,
she lived with intention.”
― Mary Anne Radmacher
