2015: Year of Intent

I called it. Kindof.
I KNEW going into 2014 (Year of the Contender), there would be definite sacrifices, brutal battles, and acts of survival... because of having a new baby. What I DIDN'T know was that all of this would be true... but not because of a new baby.

Little Nohie (his story) has been one incredible baby. He's 6mths now. So mellow, happy, a great eater and sleeper... and predictable. He's been a beautiful boy - and apparently, the universe knew I needed an easy-going baby.

This year's struggle was elsewhere, in all other faucets. I can easily say that 2014 was the worst year... even with 5 days left in it. Once New Years Eve comes, I will stand with whatever is left in me and joyously, with tears streaming down my face, count down to shut down this year.

To explain all that has happened, I fear won't do any of it justice (then again, I don't believe it deserves any). I only wish you knew. During this year, I lost the will to truly live. Not in the way of ending my own life, but just being a shell. Completely lifeless. Going day in and day out. 2014, I morn the death of my spirit.

2015 is around the corner - it was Mid-December and I knew what the new year's theme was going to be. Setting the stage:

There was a span of a few mornings in November - I woke up feeling drained, looked at the clock: 5:45am... and went about my day. It happened again the following morning - woke up feeling drained, looked at the clock: 5:45am... AGAIN!

Where the hell did my day go? What did I even do yesterday? Waking up and apparently living each day these past few months in a drone-like state. That was an unfortunate variable in this new year's theme.

But it was late November, when I was truly inspired and Robert "Bob" Chase was the biggest catalyst. Bob fell seriously ill around Thanksgiving... passing a few weeks later (on his 68th birthday). I loved and adored him - no one will ever understand how he impacted by life during and after his own.

On the day of his service, with much heartache, I had my own private time to say goodbye. It was then, during that drizzling afternoon, sitting on the bench near his new resting place - I knew it.

2015: Year of Intent

I lost myself this year. With Bob's passing, I was reminded again that really, life is short and the moments should matter. So many emotions raged from that - scared, anxious... and inspired.

This year, I will live my eulogy.

“living eulogy.

she danced.

she sang. she took.

she gave.

she loved.

she created.

she dissented. she enlivened.

she saw. she grew. she sweated.

she changed.

she learned. she laughed.

she shed her skin.

she bled on the pages of her days,

she walked through walls,

she lived with intention.”

― Mary Anne Radmacher

Noah James

3:15am... the pain was much worse than the past few hours.
"Tony... Tony! I think this is it!"...I roll out of bed in time for my water to break all over the floor. Yep. That was it.

I'll spare the details of the labor. But know it was quick, excruciating, scary at times...

Wednesday, June 25th @ 6:48am. 
A very happy birthday to our little Noah James Rodriguez... or as Abby calls him "Noah Bear".
(I've always called Tony "Papa Bear" even before babies... so when Abby joyfully announced "Noah Bear", it was fate.)

Noah = a name we found in a baby book. We loved the way it sounded with "Abby" and "Rodriguez".
James = after my dad - James Edgar Roberts.

He's the most darling little boy and is thriving, already weighing in at 10pds (2wks after birth). He is amazing in every way - great sleeper, great feeder... he's always calm unless he's hungry and the sweetest little coo'er.

I consider him my miracle baby.

1. During labor, his heart-rate would slow to almost flatline during contractions. The most gut-wrenching sound, the slowing of his heartbeat... I was determined that he made it.
2. I've wanted a son, but was sure it wasn't going to be in my stars. But here he is. 
3. The first grandson for both sides of the family.
4. No colic. That is a miracle in itself.
5. His first 2wks of life, I can't express what I've been faced with. But it's him that reminded me of so much I've lost touch with during this time - he gave me a new sense of life that I've been needing.
6. Abby is my angel baby (her story)... and little Noah, my miracle baby.

We're over the moon in love and excited to be a family of four. Abby loves on him often and always wants to be near and help out with her "baby brother." I will admit she is a bit more sassy now and is looking for extra affection - which she has the right and we're happy to give it.

Change of a Lifetime

To reiterate what I recently posted on Facebook:

 "I knew going into 2014, there will be change and challenges with a new baby, Abby starting Kindergarten, and ultimately resetting family routine... and now, today, another opportunity of huge change for our family was finally just set into motion. Hoping to share the news soon." 

I'm finally able to share. But I need you to truly understand and feel the depth of this new chapter - here's some background.

Understand that ever since Tony has been able to work, he's always, always had 2 - 3 jobs and always, always ran hard 10-15hr days, 7 days a week, at times including college classes:

• Starting at the age of 13 - mowing lawns (to buy comic books) 
• Gary's Tuxedos - 1yr 
• Del Paso Country Club - 1yr
• Round Table Pizza - off and on for ~5yrs 
• Bonney & Gordon - 4yrs 
• Sports Authority - 6yrs 
• San Juan Unified School District - the entire 13yrs 

I've watched (and still watch) him day in and day out, getting up every morning with no complaints and head into work. When I think about it... he's never complained about going into work. And he's the kind of man that won't give in to play hookey just for a day. He's dedicated.

His work ethic is beyond any other and besides the need to pay bills... he's done all this because he loved his jobs. Especially the San Juan Unified School District.

Up to this point, he's had 2 jobs these past ten years... and then an opportunity was presented to Tony. One that would be against his (our) norm, change our daily routine... and our family time. This opportunity did take time for the details to come together and all the while, took Tony months of carefully thinking and planning those details. Weighing the options, stressing, and losing sleep - What's best for the family? 

The decision was finally made.

It is with a very heavy heart for Mr. Tony, that he'll be saying goodbye and parting ways from the 13yrs with the San Juan Unified School District.

It's leaving those babies he's watched from preschool, to who still visits Tony even now that those same babies, are almost out of high school. Saying goodbye to the kids is what hurts him the most. And me too.

I just loved his stories he had everyday after work. Things the kids did or said, what he's proud about, his concerns and hopes for them. He knows all of their stories and family lives. He knows their siblings and close with their parents... this will be Tony's last week at SJUSD.

Mr. Anthony James has accepted a full-time manager position at Sports Authority.

In all his jobs, he's worked hard. Nothing different with this one. Sports Authority acknowledges his incredible work ethic and leadership skills. He's turned 2 stores around and took them to rank top in the region... and they see his teammates looking to him as their mentor.

With this acceptance, he now has only one job. ONE full-time job... did you hear my heavy sigh?

He'll now have two COMPLETE days off. He'll now be able to join me and Abby with outings and friend/family gatherings, holidays. NOW, I won't have to worry as much about him running so hard with little sleep. NOW, Tony and I will be able to see more of each other... more... of everything.

I'm starting to cry.

I can breathe... and he'll be able to sleep.  Yes, we're both nervous about this giant leap of faith. Working with his new schedule, reworking our daily routine with Abby's school dropoff/pickup, and wondering about bills... but overall, I'm humbled, so proud... and very much grateful.

To Mr. Tony.  I love you.  

Like Father, Like Son

Family of 3.5

2014: Year of the Contender

"3... 2... 1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!" 
One of the sweetest little countdowns (next to the cake timer). Unfortunately, I had a growing fear of this specific countdown... and there was no option of resetting it before the buzzer.

2012 was one of the craziest years - I was planning my wedding in under 7mths. I can tell you all about stress and hair loss! There was no time for thinking of anything else. I counted down 2012 as a blurry one. I was determined to make the next year, my year. I wanted to bring myself back from the blur, to make something so grand of the new months... and to actually have time to enjoy it.

2013 unexpectedly became a "bucket list" theme. And as the list grew, so did my glow and zest for life with each undertaking I checked off... one by one. Who does that?!
I, maybe one of the rare souls, can actually say... I lived. And it was beautiful. I was brought back to life this past year and I can't even breakdown the list of the solo/family adventures or the secret details that made my days. Yes, there was much heartache at times... but looking at 2013 overall, hands down, will be remembered as the greatest year of my life. So far.

One of the biggest dreams that was on my bucket list, was to grow our family... and we checked that one right off! We're expecting! Tony and I are over the moon with this news and seeing Tony's face light up whenever he sees the baby bump, is one of the best sights to see. Baby Rodriguez will arrive in late June/early July of 2014.

So, as 2013 was coming to a close, it really hit hard. We're welcoming our second child which means, in the midst of such a beautiful blessing, I'm also predicting an abundance of struggles, sacrifices, and walking the line of defeat. *deep breath. 
My heart sank.

Remembering life when we brought Abby home 4 years ago. My postpartum, our unforeseen financial situation... I became paralyzed with fear for what we'll be enduring this year. If it will be anything like it was then, or similar to, /shaking head... I can't even imagine.

It's true. Times are different now and we're in a much better place. We even have life-with-new-baby experience under our belts, so that's a plus, right? Wrong. Even so, all of that means nothing to me. Why? Because times are different and so, once again, everything is an "unknown".

I finally concluded this year's theme - Year of the Contender

Rodriguez vs. Life

This year will be of survival. Not only with society but also professionally (my first pregnancy/post-baby while employed), and of course, personally. I'll be battling against other's opinions, working 10x harder to hit deadlines... and facing my own demons.

I'll be honest. I'm deathly afraid of this year and what challenges 2014 has in store. All I know to survive, it'll take a lot of things... but above all, fight.

I'm back in the arena.