Make-Shift

"Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you-
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace...
The world keeps on spinning, You can't stop it, if you try to.
This time it's danger staring you in the face.."

-Des'ree- You Gotta Be


Just breathe.

My life seems to be shifting so fast these past two months. All the planning, thinking-through... I'm exhausted.

I'll be moving into my Love's house with his three roomies, the three roomies I've known for years. I'm excited and nervous just the same. It'll only be for a few months until my love and I move into our own place. We're looking into houses- 2 to 3 bedrooms.

I asked him the other day:

Are you nervous?
...he thought for a few seconds- No.
Really? You're not nervous to live with me again? I replied
No. I believe that we've both grown up and that we're both able and willing to make it work this time around. He looks at me with a sparkle in his eye.
...you make me so happy.

Move-in day is in two weeks and I've had no energy to pack anything. I'd walk around my apartment and soak it in. I've been there for almost three years. My first apartment... all by myself. I've learned so much and watched myself grow there. I'll be sad when I leave, but I hope another single gal moves in... she'll love it.

Transpire

"Life is the Art of Drawing without an Eraser"...

Such a beautiful line. I believed that I related to it. There are no regrets, no looking back.
...but until recently, I know now that life is truely a drawing. There is no erasing.

When I first started these blogs. I basically lost the love of my life. He needed time to figure out if this is where he wants to be again... with me. It was what I thought to be the darkest 3 months of my life. Then I was laid-off. Done. I had nothing else to lose... it was all gone.

After my lay-off, my Love called. He wanted to make sure I was alright. Everything happens for a reason?

We started seeing eachother again... and it was so nice. We caught up from the time he separated himself from me, we talked about what we wanted from eachother. I asked him to walk beside me again... he accepted.

Together for 4 years, then I broke it off in 2006. During my "growing-up" time, I came to realize he is my "1". He's everything that I ever wanted... but I broke his heart.

I know that it'll forever haunt me, it'll never fade from his mind. But we're moving forward.

I feel as though my color is coming back. My hope and faith saved me during that time... I smile more, and I feel so good. I'm happy and probably the happiest that I could ever remember.


"Life is the Art of Drawing without an Eraser"... still so true.

My Love and I recently found that I am with child. 7 weeks. The doctor said it's still early enough and I have options. My only thought at that point was:

My life has no eraser.

Jennifer Daniele

I would live for her

A few months ago, where I left my tears in my hands...
I wiped my face and thought:
"I'd live for her."

If it wasn't for her... I couldn't imagine the being that I would be right now.

She has the most immaculate beauty. The kind that you can just feel by standing next to her.
She radiates.

Whenever I'm upset, I think of her and what she would do or say at that very instant.
If for only one thing, I would live for her.

I would want to continue her doings.
She is my inspiration.
I don't think she knows it, but she's a huge part of my life.

She is my forever, my soulmate,... My Lizzie.

Dust

When it rains, it pours.

I thought I was already crawling, scraping my world into a pile from my last heart-wrenching 3 months ago...
No.

I was just laid off from my job of over 3 years. Unexpected.
Hard work, sweat, tears, and occasionally, blood. In the end, nothing matters but the bottom line.

I've never been here before. Filing for unemployment has to be one of the hardest, frustrating and mentally draining steps for first timers like me. I don't even have a resume. I'm lost, scared...

I've been crying for the past 72 hours and barely sober for the first 48.

I'm not okay... but I know eventually. I just hope the sooner than later.

Jennifer

Suppleness

"Closer to my dreams
I’m goin’ higher and higher
I ain’t gonna sleep
Some times you just have to let it go (Let it go, let
it go)
Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them away so I can move on..."
-Goapele


I couldn't sleep last night. My body was tired, but my mind was swimming in reflection.

I've been playing this malicious game of figuring out who I am for a very short time now. I've started to try to step back from myself to see how I'm reacting to a situation and why I'm reacting as so. I seem to only overanalyze myself and it just drives me insane.

This journey is turning out to be more exhausting than the blueprint I originally imagined.

A list of what I do know of myself:
*I know that I do things for others without expecting anything in return.

*My response to anything is instant... I have no filter. That is bad at times and I know I should take the time to think before spewing.

*I'm not very good at taking compliments. Instead of saying "no" or "whatever"... I should respond with "thank you".

*I don't call my family nearly as often as they call me. I should make time. Seriously.



To be continued...

Introduction

"People are like stained glass windows. They glow and sparkle when the sun is shining on them. But, if the sun goes down, their true beauty is revealed only if they have a light from within."

I'm on that journey to find my light.

I seemed to have lost myself all over again.
A little over a month ago, I cracked. Everything caved in. My strength, my happiness, my heart, and nearly my hope.
I guess Marilyn was right all along: "When love goes wrong, nothing goes right".

Every night and every morning, I cry. I'm tired and lost interest in everything... I've been living in despair. My heart aches and my soul hurts. I have never felt a pain so fierce. I don't think it will ever end.

I can't change the past. I can't change what happened. There's only looking forward, being better than I was. That is my plan.

With my little hope and my small amount of faith... I will remain.
I don't want to stop fighting, but if you love something, you must let it go to see if it comes back.

Until then, I'll write these blogs, my memoir.

The journey to find the light... of Jennifer Daniele.