I would live for her

A few months ago, where I left my tears in my hands...
I wiped my face and thought:
"I'd live for her."

If it wasn't for her... I couldn't imagine the being that I would be right now.

She has the most immaculate beauty. The kind that you can just feel by standing next to her.
She radiates.

Whenever I'm upset, I think of her and what she would do or say at that very instant.
If for only one thing, I would live for her.

I would want to continue her doings.
She is my inspiration.
I don't think she knows it, but she's a huge part of my life.

She is my forever, my soulmate,... My Lizzie.

Dust

When it rains, it pours.

I thought I was already crawling, scraping my world into a pile from my last heart-wrenching 3 months ago...
No.

I was just laid off from my job of over 3 years. Unexpected.
Hard work, sweat, tears, and occasionally, blood. In the end, nothing matters but the bottom line.

I've never been here before. Filing for unemployment has to be one of the hardest, frustrating and mentally draining steps for first timers like me. I don't even have a resume. I'm lost, scared...

I've been crying for the past 72 hours and barely sober for the first 48.

I'm not okay... but I know eventually. I just hope the sooner than later.

Jennifer

Suppleness

"Closer to my dreams
I’m goin’ higher and higher
I ain’t gonna sleep
Some times you just have to let it go (Let it go, let
it go)
Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them away so I can move on..."
-Goapele


I couldn't sleep last night. My body was tired, but my mind was swimming in reflection.

I've been playing this malicious game of figuring out who I am for a very short time now. I've started to try to step back from myself to see how I'm reacting to a situation and why I'm reacting as so. I seem to only overanalyze myself and it just drives me insane.

This journey is turning out to be more exhausting than the blueprint I originally imagined.

A list of what I do know of myself:
*I know that I do things for others without expecting anything in return.

*My response to anything is instant... I have no filter. That is bad at times and I know I should take the time to think before spewing.

*I'm not very good at taking compliments. Instead of saying "no" or "whatever"... I should respond with "thank you".

*I don't call my family nearly as often as they call me. I should make time. Seriously.



To be continued...

Introduction

"People are like stained glass windows. They glow and sparkle when the sun is shining on them. But, if the sun goes down, their true beauty is revealed only if they have a light from within."

I'm on that journey to find my light.

I seemed to have lost myself all over again.
A little over a month ago, I cracked. Everything caved in. My strength, my happiness, my heart, and nearly my hope.
I guess Marilyn was right all along: "When love goes wrong, nothing goes right".

Every night and every morning, I cry. I'm tired and lost interest in everything... I've been living in despair. My heart aches and my soul hurts. I have never felt a pain so fierce. I don't think it will ever end.

I can't change the past. I can't change what happened. There's only looking forward, being better than I was. That is my plan.

With my little hope and my small amount of faith... I will remain.
I don't want to stop fighting, but if you love something, you must let it go to see if it comes back.

Until then, I'll write these blogs, my memoir.

The journey to find the light... of Jennifer Daniele.