7 minutes and counting... at the library.
My weekly visit to the library is now a part of my life.
I quickly whip around cyberspace, not to waste my time... pay bills, check accounts, read email, look for a job, research/compare baby-everything. I try to get the best use that I can for that one hour I get at each visit.
...my life is now on a time restraint.
Getting ready for a newborn has been stressful. Signing up for breastfeeding, babycare, healthy pregnancy, safety, and lamaze... all which I am excited about, but it's just the anticipation of a new soul. A new soul that I will be caring for for the rest of my life. I feel like I'll never be ready for this. Which causes me to stress out.
I'm anxious about finding a new job after our little bundle of joy arrives. Needing to have another income for the family is a must- but how long will it take me to find one? Where will I be a few months from now? An anxiety attack slowly creeps in...
I think about what kind of time I'll have after she comes. What about daycare?
...Then... I start thinking of the timeline from when I'll be able to start working out again, what age does she need to be potty trained? Stress... of numbers.
The 2nd bedroom is almost put together. Everyday as I pass by the room, I start to panic.
Our apartment turned out to be smaller than anticipated. The 2nd bedroom is the office/guest room/baby room. Can you imagine how tiny it is? I think about our little space that's left and I fall into... an anxiety attack.
I thought my life was busy and I had no time while I had a job. But the mother role, I already feel, will be the biggest, toughest job of my life. My life will now be permenatly ran by a clock.
That makes me sweat.
I've been unemployed for about 4 months now. Which seems 4 months too long. I do feel as though it's a blessing in disguise, but some days I wish I was working.
My day consists of waking up by 8am, making Tony's lunch, run to the library, drop off mail, clean the apartment, read up on baby books, think ahead and list needs for when I go into labor, work out... eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, and make sure I'm hydrated. Organize, organize, Tv, Tv, Tv... ugh. Mindless.
This is long and I start getting a twitch in my eye when I think of everything.
I need to let go, not stress over the things I can't control, take one day at a time... blah, blah, blah.
Easier said than done. I WANT ICE CREAM.
6 days: Abby's baby shower.
Less than 2 months: My water breaks.
A lifetime: Raising a being.