Grandma Darlene Langford

This late Sunday evening...
As I sit at the dining room table, contemplating life - all the deep internal emotions I'm trying to come to terms with along with reviewing actual tasks that need to get done personally and professionally, I break.  Attempting to understand my internal battles, trying to get back on track since returning from my honeymoon, still re-wrapping my brain around everything... I can't help but become utterly overwhelmed.

Out of everything stirring inside me, strangely, the breaking point was the thought of Grandma.  She came to mind when a song started playing in the middle of all this.  At that moment, I realized just how much I miss her... and needed her.

She passed a few years ago.  She was THE grandma.  At the time of her passing, I was sad - but kept going about my business and never had the grieving process.  So, why all of a sudden?  Because I actually sat still in one spot long enough to even deal?  I don't know.

I never had the chance to say my good-bye.  I wasn't able to make it to her funeral either... I felt no closure on my side.  Since then, I would still think of her from time to time and the memories.

She was my favorite to visit.  It was a 6hr drive, but I knew the fun that was waiting and didn't hesitate to jump in the van.  She was so artistically talented.  Painting on old saw blades or driftwood... just in awe of her detail and realistic technique.  Making dolls and winning blue ribbons in county fairs.  We were always surrounded with craft supplies... which was my favorite.

I always loved how she put on her make-up and all her diamond jewelry.  Always dressed up for any occasion... and now that I think of it, she'd draw on her eyebrows too!

She spoiled us grandchildren and saved our behinds from whoopin's once or twice.  Her stories of her parents and our other "crazy" relatives, her laugh, her love for Tanya Tucker and dancing with us in their living room.  I loved her.  Her everything.

On my wedding day last week, my mom came up to the room I was getting ready in and presented "something old"...her mother's diamond costume ring.  Grandma always wore it and I always admired it.  I had to catch my breath and tried not to cry, ruining my make-up before my vows.  It meant the world to me.

...so, tonight, while listening to Spotify, and when everything in life was attacking me at once, Tanya Tucker's "Two Sparrows in a Hurricane" began to play.  One of her top favorite Tanya Tucker tracks.

Although I didn't get to say my own "good-bye", this post feels a little like closure for me.  Acknowledging her spirit and how she touched my life.

I post this song - In honor of Grandma... and the reminder that when the world says we'll never make it, love says we will.

xoxo

Warm Summer's Eve

as per February 26th 2010 post:

Barefoot and wearing a summer dress made of rayon, hair down in waves, and face naked with only blush and lip balm.

Sun setting, sky illuminated with yellow and pink hues. A slight breeze moving through the green, green grass... and the smell of BBQ bliss in the air.

With a glass in hand, I'm sitting on an antique lounge chair resting on a porch. A small stand by my side holding a lit candle and the opened bottle of rich wine.

Content, on a warm Summer's eve... all the while this song plays in the background: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHV4nncKDMA&feature=related

Mmmm.  I can't wait for summer.

[♥]

 

Beads of Sweat

"I manifest my determination to make all my dreams come true during workouts."
- Jenny McCarthy ♥

Whether it be at work or home, I'm always thinking of what's best for someone else... at times, losing myself somewhere in the middle.

As a full-time working mom, my own alone-time is pretty rare. I go so hard throughout the day that when I do have downtime, I'd like to do something mindless... to be able to stop. This becomes a routine and I end up feeling like an empty casing of skin, a shell.

Recently, tired of feeling tired and staring at what used to be my favorite part of my body, but now looks just sad - My quads - I reintroduced myself to my dusty, but new, elliptical "Mo". She was finished being built in July 2010... And I'm finally breaking her in.

It's hard to find the motivation, put when I push myself to jump on Mo after Abby goes down for the night, for at least 30 minutes... It can do wonders (besides burn calories).

When I'm on the elliptical, it's just me so I'm forced to deal with my thoughts or emotions I don't have energy to acknowledge in my day-to-day. I will admit there has been a time or two where I'm near an emotional breakdown because I gain realizations while working-out.

Usually 5 minutes in, I'm already exhausted and my calves are burning. Never like before, I work up motivation and I find strength to push through! I'm rooting for myself and it turns out... I don't have to be my own worse enemy, but my biggest cheerleader.

For only having the 30 to 45 minutes of able exercise time, I'm reconnecting with my mind, body and soul - I feel my spirit reawaken and I'm more alive than ever. With every bead of sweat, I'm gaining back myself along with finding what was once lost - My confidence, motivation, inspiration... and a great set of quads.

Clarity, focus, ease and grace.

The Secret's in the Telling

A piece of mystery all to myself. A juicy detail.

When thought of, I become engulfed with a feverish desire, a longing passion... Sometimes, aching sorrow.

When it's thought of too often, I feel my heart become overwhelmed and weary. This is a yearning in my soul that I know will go on forever.

This is a little piece of me I will keep as my own.

My own little secret.

Am I Blushing?

I've been struggling lately. I know there are things I shouldn't care about, so the struggle is figuring out the things that doesn't matter, what to really be excited about... and learning when to tone my feelings down (or just turn them off all together).

Looking through my "Notes" on Facebook - I came across this note... and it still sticks.
Dated June 9th 2010 @ 5:06pm

----------------

At times, to some... I may be too emotional. And it's true. I do tend to take things personal. And sometimes... I don't take things seriously as maybe I should.

My biggest flaw is that I wear my heart on my sleeve for the whole world to see. I'd definitely be the worst poker player: Me + Poker Face = What? No, really, I don't know what to do with these Aces!

My not so "poker face" has gotten me in trouble... along with my non-existent filter for thoughts before spewing them from my mouth. I suck at thinking before speaking. But hey, that's just me.

Tell me my toes are those like a monkey... and I'll frown. Then I'll say something like "your face!".

Tell me my voice sounds so sweet... and I'll blush... then tell you you're lying cause it really sounds like a man.

What's my point I'm trying to make? I'm not sure. Except the fact that I truly feel. Don't doubt anything I say or do because Its from the heart... on my sleeve.

J to the R O

Will Power... and Mo.

Will-power. What's that? No, seriously. I have none.

I make up excuses to not feel bad about not working-out or cleaning the house. Sigh... which only later leads to me feeling like poo. Physically and mentally.

The heat plus whatever my body is trying to do to stay energetic is not working... that, and my lack of will-power.

I purchased an elliptical. ALMOST done being built. I used it for the first time yesterday. The screen and electronic portions still need to be attached, so it was just me and this machine... organically.

It was there, waiting. I was pacing back and forth at the door to the room where it resides.
"No. I'll wait till it's fully put together" I told myself. I walked away.

As I sat and started to dig into the leftover icing from Abby's birthday cupcakes, I "grr'd". I can not believe I just made an excuse to NOT workout.

I've been complaining for the past two months because I haven't been able to exercise and now that the elliptical is finally at a place that I could just jump on and go until its completion... I make something up and sit down... on my big, fat fanny.

After that realization, I grabbed a water bottle and my shoes.
It was amazing to just be able to jump on. I didn't have to worry about putting on my eyebrows or that my shorts might make a fellow exerciser vomit cause of all the excess of... everything.

If this is what will-power feels like, I definitely need to order some!

I only said "hello" to my new friend for 30 minutes, but it made me sweat... and made me feel great. I think I'll name it "Mo", cause I want no mo thunder thighs!

I know Mo and I will be great friends. We'll have our ups and downs, our screaming matches and water fights... but in the end, she'll always have my back, er, butt.

Here's to you, Mo!
J to the Rizz O

("Mo")

Abigail Lynn

(June 6th 2010 - Our living room)

My baby, Abby. Really, no longer a baby but a toddler.
We just celebrated her 1st birthday July 11th.

Thinking back. I wasn't ready... or even prepared for a "family". The first 2 months of Abby's life, she was an unhappy baby... making me unhappy as well. It has been hard. Motherhood is HARD, but oh so worth it.

She is beautiful. Inside and out. Watching her curiosity and almost reliving the world through her has moved me. I've always viewed the world in all it's wonders and appreciated each moment... and I can see her doing the same. A "little Jenn" wobbling around. Magical.

Little Abby has four teeth now. Two front on the bottom and the two front on the top... she no longer has her "gummy" smile. But she smiles just the same- big. She has her daddy's smile... and his dimple.

I like to believe that little Abby saved my life. A little over a year ago, I was in a VERY bad state. I was drinking beyond what I should have been and lived in darkness.
My first reaction looking at that pee-stick, was fear. I cried. Could I support this child?

But as I morphed further in the pregnancy, felt her move and embraced my world as it was... The calm settled in and I knew things would be alright. And it's now for her that I live.

I wake up every morning to her baby talk. When I walk in her room, she gives her four-tooth smile, giggles... and all she wants is her "mommy" (as she calls me).

She saved my life. Almost made things more clear. I don't drink as often (or as heavy), I go to bed early, wake up early... and now I feel more conscience. I feel rejuvenated.

Abigail Lynn. I love you. And I love you more with each passing day. My hero.


All my love,
Mommy

(July 17th 2010 - A little cafe in Old Roseville)