I Can Taste It

"When things go wrong, as they sometimes will...
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high...
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit."

These recent times have been really hard on me, as with many others I'm sure.
Sigh.

But in the dark ally of my life where I currently reside, I can taste... something.
Almost as though I'm on the brink of touching what's next for me. I feel it.

I recently had my 2nd job interview for a non-profit that offers counseling for families dealing with child abuse. A non-profit. It's what I've always wanted to do! Help give back to my community while in a workplace. This job seems almost meant for me... I'm still crossing my fingers to hear back from them.

I also recently went off of unemployment to get on disability since I had baby Abby. It's the only way to continue getting some sort of an income without getting in trouble with the state.

Since then, I applied for disability and now waiting for my first check... which could take a month. My little family will be relying on Mr. Tony to pay bills until then. It's a scary situation for me.

I'm in limbo. Waiting for that check to come in and then planning the next move after that runs out and continue looking for a job... OR getting the final "you're hired" from the non-profit within that month.

Like my life's next steps are dangled over my head. All the different directions I could possibly go... just waiting. I can taste something. Something, one of the paths, is about to drop on my lap. I can feel it. And when it does, it's hit-the-ground-running.

I've been preparing to prepare, to prepare. I'm ready. I'm anxious. I'm tired of the doubt and feeling heavy from life's tribulations that's been thrown at me.

In closing and to myself:

Dear Self,
"The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are...
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit."

God bless.

"I"

...continued from "Suppleness" July 14th (but not as deep):

*I LOVE peanut butter on my waffles.

*I have just enough will-power to get things started... but not enough to be consistant (stupid chocolate).

*I now realize, more than ever, that consideration is key. Why can't you just be a good person? Hold the door open for someone behind you. Let someone go in front of you in a grocery store if they have less items than you (are you really in a hurry?)... Cause secretly, you could have made an impact on their day that maybe, just maybe... they'll pay-it-forward. It's a beautiful thing.

*I'm afraid of thunderstorms.

*I HAVE to have a glass of milk with buttered popcorn. Such a great combo.

*Random: Whatever happened to those chip-like things called "Bugles"? Tasty.

*Speaking of food. I've been craving Twizzlers. Mmm. The craving hit after I ate a licorice flavored jelly bean. HA!

*I would LOVE to visit Africa or Thailand one day... one day.

*...sometimes, I forget to brush my teeth in the morning. I'm just too busy eating!

*I believe the American people need to slow down. Do something you love for at least 10min. a day.

*I'm one of those rare people in the world that loves egg nog.

*I'm not too fond of the State Fair. You gotta have the right company I guess.

*I believe first impressions are everything. Maybe the occasional seconds.

*I know that I'm too hard on myself and I always expect the worst. I guess that way if the outcome is the worst... I won't be so disappointed. AND so I work harder.

*I'm still stuck between a PC and a MAC. *sigh*.

*My favorite food: Good ol' grilled hot dogs with ketchup... and a bun (not toasted, please).

*I've learned to be more frugal with my money. My goal is to rely on myself and to never have to ask for help to pay bills. So far, so good.

*I'm very impatient.

*If you say you're gonna do something... than do it. All the talking is just irritating.

*My list of drinks- in no particular order- I would like to drinkie-poo when I'm able after Abby pops out:
1.) Hot Venti White Mocha 2.) Mimosa in a LARGE glass 3.) Sam Adams Summerfest in a bigger glass! 3.) Sangria from Paesano's on Capitol and 4.) Irish Car Bomb.
Please Note: Not to be consumed in one sitting.

Time

7 minutes and counting... at the library.

My weekly visit to the library is now a part of my life.
I quickly whip around cyberspace, not to waste my time... pay bills, check accounts, read email, look for a job, research/compare baby-everything. I try to get the best use that I can for that one hour I get at each visit.

...my life is now on a time restraint.

Getting ready for a newborn has been stressful. Signing up for breastfeeding, babycare, healthy pregnancy, safety, and lamaze... all which I am excited about, but it's just the anticipation of a new soul. A new soul that I will be caring for for the rest of my life. I feel like I'll never be ready for this. Which causes me to stress out.

I'm anxious about finding a new job after our little bundle of joy arrives. Needing to have another income for the family is a must- but how long will it take me to find one? Where will I be a few months from now? An anxiety attack slowly creeps in...

I think about what kind of time I'll have after she comes. What about daycare?

...Then... I start thinking of the timeline from when I'll be able to start working out again, what age does she need to be potty trained? Stress... of numbers.

The 2nd bedroom is almost put together. Everyday as I pass by the room, I start to panic.
Our apartment turned out to be smaller than anticipated. The 2nd bedroom is the office/guest room/baby room. Can you imagine how tiny it is? I think about our little space that's left and I fall into... an anxiety attack.

I thought my life was busy and I had no time while I had a job. But the mother role, I already feel, will be the biggest, toughest job of my life. My life will now be permenatly ran by a clock.
That makes me sweat.

I've been unemployed for about 4 months now. Which seems 4 months too long. I do feel as though it's a blessing in disguise, but some days I wish I was working.

My day consists of waking up by 8am, making Tony's lunch, run to the library, drop off mail, clean the apartment, read up on baby books, think ahead and list needs for when I go into labor, work out... eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, and make sure I'm hydrated. Organize, organize, Tv, Tv, Tv... ugh. Mindless.

This is long and I start getting a twitch in my eye when I think of everything.
I need to let go, not stress over the things I can't control, take one day at a time... blah, blah, blah.

Easier said than done. I WANT ICE CREAM.

6 days: Abby's baby shower.
Less than 2 months: My water breaks.
A lifetime: Raising a being.

Make-Shift

"Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you-
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace...
The world keeps on spinning, You can't stop it, if you try to.
This time it's danger staring you in the face.."

-Des'ree- You Gotta Be


Just breathe.

My life seems to be shifting so fast these past two months. All the planning, thinking-through... I'm exhausted.

I'll be moving into my Love's house with his three roomies, the three roomies I've known for years. I'm excited and nervous just the same. It'll only be for a few months until my love and I move into our own place. We're looking into houses- 2 to 3 bedrooms.

I asked him the other day:

Are you nervous?
...he thought for a few seconds- No.
Really? You're not nervous to live with me again? I replied
No. I believe that we've both grown up and that we're both able and willing to make it work this time around. He looks at me with a sparkle in his eye.
...you make me so happy.

Move-in day is in two weeks and I've had no energy to pack anything. I'd walk around my apartment and soak it in. I've been there for almost three years. My first apartment... all by myself. I've learned so much and watched myself grow there. I'll be sad when I leave, but I hope another single gal moves in... she'll love it.

Transpire

"Life is the Art of Drawing without an Eraser"...

Such a beautiful line. I believed that I related to it. There are no regrets, no looking back.
...but until recently, I know now that life is truely a drawing. There is no erasing.

When I first started these blogs. I basically lost the love of my life. He needed time to figure out if this is where he wants to be again... with me. It was what I thought to be the darkest 3 months of my life. Then I was laid-off. Done. I had nothing else to lose... it was all gone.

After my lay-off, my Love called. He wanted to make sure I was alright. Everything happens for a reason?

We started seeing eachother again... and it was so nice. We caught up from the time he separated himself from me, we talked about what we wanted from eachother. I asked him to walk beside me again... he accepted.

Together for 4 years, then I broke it off in 2006. During my "growing-up" time, I came to realize he is my "1". He's everything that I ever wanted... but I broke his heart.

I know that it'll forever haunt me, it'll never fade from his mind. But we're moving forward.

I feel as though my color is coming back. My hope and faith saved me during that time... I smile more, and I feel so good. I'm happy and probably the happiest that I could ever remember.


"Life is the Art of Drawing without an Eraser"... still so true.

My Love and I recently found that I am with child. 7 weeks. The doctor said it's still early enough and I have options. My only thought at that point was:

My life has no eraser.

Jennifer Daniele

I would live for her

A few months ago, where I left my tears in my hands...
I wiped my face and thought:
"I'd live for her."

If it wasn't for her... I couldn't imagine the being that I would be right now.

She has the most immaculate beauty. The kind that you can just feel by standing next to her.
She radiates.

Whenever I'm upset, I think of her and what she would do or say at that very instant.
If for only one thing, I would live for her.

I would want to continue her doings.
She is my inspiration.
I don't think she knows it, but she's a huge part of my life.

She is my forever, my soulmate,... My Lizzie.

Dust

When it rains, it pours.

I thought I was already crawling, scraping my world into a pile from my last heart-wrenching 3 months ago...
No.

I was just laid off from my job of over 3 years. Unexpected.
Hard work, sweat, tears, and occasionally, blood. In the end, nothing matters but the bottom line.

I've never been here before. Filing for unemployment has to be one of the hardest, frustrating and mentally draining steps for first timers like me. I don't even have a resume. I'm lost, scared...

I've been crying for the past 72 hours and barely sober for the first 48.

I'm not okay... but I know eventually. I just hope the sooner than later.

Jennifer