Beads of Sweat

"I manifest my determination to make all my dreams come true during workouts."
- Jenny McCarthy ♥

Whether it be at work or home, I'm always thinking of what's best for someone else... at times, losing myself somewhere in the middle.

As a full-time working mom, my own alone-time is pretty rare. I go so hard throughout the day that when I do have downtime, I'd like to do something mindless... to be able to stop. This becomes a routine and I end up feeling like an empty casing of skin, a shell.

Recently, tired of feeling tired and staring at what used to be my favorite part of my body, but now looks just sad - My quads - I reintroduced myself to my dusty, but new, elliptical "Mo". She was finished being built in July 2010... And I'm finally breaking her in.

It's hard to find the motivation, put when I push myself to jump on Mo after Abby goes down for the night, for at least 30 minutes... It can do wonders (besides burn calories).

When I'm on the elliptical, it's just me so I'm forced to deal with my thoughts or emotions I don't have energy to acknowledge in my day-to-day. I will admit there has been a time or two where I'm near an emotional breakdown because I gain realizations while working-out.

Usually 5 minutes in, I'm already exhausted and my calves are burning. Never like before, I work up motivation and I find strength to push through! I'm rooting for myself and it turns out... I don't have to be my own worse enemy, but my biggest cheerleader.

For only having the 30 to 45 minutes of able exercise time, I'm reconnecting with my mind, body and soul - I feel my spirit reawaken and I'm more alive than ever. With every bead of sweat, I'm gaining back myself along with finding what was once lost - My confidence, motivation, inspiration... and a great set of quads.

Clarity, focus, ease and grace.

The Secret's in the Telling

A piece of mystery all to myself. A juicy detail.

When thought of, I become engulfed with a feverish desire, a longing passion... Sometimes, aching sorrow.

When it's thought of too often, I feel my heart become overwhelmed and weary. This is a yearning in my soul that I know will go on forever.

This is a little piece of me I will keep as my own.

My own little secret.

Am I Blushing?

I've been struggling lately. I know there are things I shouldn't care about, so the struggle is figuring out the things that doesn't matter, what to really be excited about... and learning when to tone my feelings down (or just turn them off all together).

Looking through my "Notes" on Facebook - I came across this note... and it still sticks.
Dated June 9th 2010 @ 5:06pm

----------------

At times, to some... I may be too emotional. And it's true. I do tend to take things personal. And sometimes... I don't take things seriously as maybe I should.

My biggest flaw is that I wear my heart on my sleeve for the whole world to see. I'd definitely be the worst poker player: Me + Poker Face = What? No, really, I don't know what to do with these Aces!

My not so "poker face" has gotten me in trouble... along with my non-existent filter for thoughts before spewing them from my mouth. I suck at thinking before speaking. But hey, that's just me.

Tell me my toes are those like a monkey... and I'll frown. Then I'll say something like "your face!".

Tell me my voice sounds so sweet... and I'll blush... then tell you you're lying cause it really sounds like a man.

What's my point I'm trying to make? I'm not sure. Except the fact that I truly feel. Don't doubt anything I say or do because Its from the heart... on my sleeve.

J to the R O

Will Power... and Mo.

Will-power. What's that? No, seriously. I have none.

I make up excuses to not feel bad about not working-out or cleaning the house. Sigh... which only later leads to me feeling like poo. Physically and mentally.

The heat plus whatever my body is trying to do to stay energetic is not working... that, and my lack of will-power.

I purchased an elliptical. ALMOST done being built. I used it for the first time yesterday. The screen and electronic portions still need to be attached, so it was just me and this machine... organically.

It was there, waiting. I was pacing back and forth at the door to the room where it resides.
"No. I'll wait till it's fully put together" I told myself. I walked away.

As I sat and started to dig into the leftover icing from Abby's birthday cupcakes, I "grr'd". I can not believe I just made an excuse to NOT workout.

I've been complaining for the past two months because I haven't been able to exercise and now that the elliptical is finally at a place that I could just jump on and go until its completion... I make something up and sit down... on my big, fat fanny.

After that realization, I grabbed a water bottle and my shoes.
It was amazing to just be able to jump on. I didn't have to worry about putting on my eyebrows or that my shorts might make a fellow exerciser vomit cause of all the excess of... everything.

If this is what will-power feels like, I definitely need to order some!

I only said "hello" to my new friend for 30 minutes, but it made me sweat... and made me feel great. I think I'll name it "Mo", cause I want no mo thunder thighs!

I know Mo and I will be great friends. We'll have our ups and downs, our screaming matches and water fights... but in the end, she'll always have my back, er, butt.

Here's to you, Mo!
J to the Rizz O

("Mo")

Abigail Lynn

(June 6th 2010 - Our living room)

My baby, Abby. Really, no longer a baby but a toddler.
We just celebrated her 1st birthday July 11th.

Thinking back. I wasn't ready... or even prepared for a "family". The first 2 months of Abby's life, she was an unhappy baby... making me unhappy as well. It has been hard. Motherhood is HARD, but oh so worth it.

She is beautiful. Inside and out. Watching her curiosity and almost reliving the world through her has moved me. I've always viewed the world in all it's wonders and appreciated each moment... and I can see her doing the same. A "little Jenn" wobbling around. Magical.

Little Abby has four teeth now. Two front on the bottom and the two front on the top... she no longer has her "gummy" smile. But she smiles just the same- big. She has her daddy's smile... and his dimple.

I like to believe that little Abby saved my life. A little over a year ago, I was in a VERY bad state. I was drinking beyond what I should have been and lived in darkness.
My first reaction looking at that pee-stick, was fear. I cried. Could I support this child?

But as I morphed further in the pregnancy, felt her move and embraced my world as it was... The calm settled in and I knew things would be alright. And it's now for her that I live.

I wake up every morning to her baby talk. When I walk in her room, she gives her four-tooth smile, giggles... and all she wants is her "mommy" (as she calls me).

She saved my life. Almost made things more clear. I don't drink as often (or as heavy), I go to bed early, wake up early... and now I feel more conscience. I feel rejuvenated.

Abigail Lynn. I love you. And I love you more with each passing day. My hero.


All my love,
Mommy

(July 17th 2010 - A little cafe in Old Roseville)

Time After Time

♪ ♫ You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said...
Then you said "go slow"... I fall behind. ♫ ♪
-Time After Time

"Somber" is a word I used today. I've heard it before but never really thought about it.

It holds a different kind of beauty. Sombering beauty?

I will say these past 4 months have been pretty tough on me. More struggling with myself... more than usual anyways. Worry and stress. Downing and the other particulars. Unsettled and unsure.

I seem to catch myself in this state often... time after time. Why? Do I live for the "what-ifs"?
Now that I think about it... I always think of the what-ifs and prepare for them. I can not remember the last time I just enjoyed the present. That makes me a somber Jenn.

My Father

I'm just like him.

I have his big nose, blue eyes, and greasy skin. Although I have my mom's spunk... I'm all dad.

He is the kindest giant I know. When in a grocery line and the person in front of him ends up not being able to pay for their food... He will (this he's done a few times). He's given rides to hitch-hikers, as scary as that sounds... and he sews with my mom because thats what she loves to do.

I consider my father beautiful and the one word for him is "selfless".

He has the hands of a hard, honest worker... a heart that could warm a dark void... and all the compassion one soul can hold.

He acknowledges people that pass him by with a nod, he offers his help to all... and will give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Thinking of it now, I don't know the last time he's bought himself a new pair of shoes... or jeans! Even growing up- it was all us. The hardships he has endured to keep us afloat.

...I'm all dad.

If at a store and notice your name tag, don't be surprised if I say "thank you" followed by your name.

I'll open and hold the door for anyone close behind me. Give up my seat to my elders. Acknowledge people that pass me by as well... and treat everyone as they would like to be treated.


Dear Dad, James Edgar Roberts...
Thank you for all you have done to see us be okay.
I've only seen you cry once... but I hardly remember it.
You have shown me the grace of being an individual and to be able to give back... when able.
It's you that makes this world a better place. You make that difference in someone's life.
I won't try to fill your shoes, I'll fill my own... right next to yours.

I love you, Pops.