Abigail Lynn

(June 6th 2010 - Our living room)

My baby, Abby. Really, no longer a baby but a toddler.
We just celebrated her 1st birthday July 11th.

Thinking back. I wasn't ready... or even prepared for a "family". The first 2 months of Abby's life, she was an unhappy baby... making me unhappy as well. It has been hard. Motherhood is HARD, but oh so worth it.

She is beautiful. Inside and out. Watching her curiosity and almost reliving the world through her has moved me. I've always viewed the world in all it's wonders and appreciated each moment... and I can see her doing the same. A "little Jenn" wobbling around. Magical.

Little Abby has four teeth now. Two front on the bottom and the two front on the top... she no longer has her "gummy" smile. But she smiles just the same- big. She has her daddy's smile... and his dimple.

I like to believe that little Abby saved my life. A little over a year ago, I was in a VERY bad state. I was drinking beyond what I should have been and lived in darkness.
My first reaction looking at that pee-stick, was fear. I cried. Could I support this child?

But as I morphed further in the pregnancy, felt her move and embraced my world as it was... The calm settled in and I knew things would be alright. And it's now for her that I live.

I wake up every morning to her baby talk. When I walk in her room, she gives her four-tooth smile, giggles... and all she wants is her "mommy" (as she calls me).

She saved my life. Almost made things more clear. I don't drink as often (or as heavy), I go to bed early, wake up early... and now I feel more conscience. I feel rejuvenated.

Abigail Lynn. I love you. And I love you more with each passing day. My hero.


All my love,
Mommy

(July 17th 2010 - A little cafe in Old Roseville)

Time After Time

♪ ♫ You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said...
Then you said "go slow"... I fall behind. ♫ ♪
-Time After Time

"Somber" is a word I used today. I've heard it before but never really thought about it.

It holds a different kind of beauty. Sombering beauty?

I will say these past 4 months have been pretty tough on me. More struggling with myself... more than usual anyways. Worry and stress. Downing and the other particulars. Unsettled and unsure.

I seem to catch myself in this state often... time after time. Why? Do I live for the "what-ifs"?
Now that I think about it... I always think of the what-ifs and prepare for them. I can not remember the last time I just enjoyed the present. That makes me a somber Jenn.

My Father

I'm just like him.

I have his big nose, blue eyes, and greasy skin. Although I have my mom's spunk... I'm all dad.

He is the kindest giant I know. When in a grocery line and the person in front of him ends up not being able to pay for their food... He will (this he's done a few times). He's given rides to hitch-hikers, as scary as that sounds... and he sews with my mom because thats what she loves to do.

I consider my father beautiful and the one word for him is "selfless".

He has the hands of a hard, honest worker... a heart that could warm a dark void... and all the compassion one soul can hold.

He acknowledges people that pass him by with a nod, he offers his help to all... and will give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Thinking of it now, I don't know the last time he's bought himself a new pair of shoes... or jeans! Even growing up- it was all us. The hardships he has endured to keep us afloat.

...I'm all dad.

If at a store and notice your name tag, don't be surprised if I say "thank you" followed by your name.

I'll open and hold the door for anyone close behind me. Give up my seat to my elders. Acknowledge people that pass me by as well... and treat everyone as they would like to be treated.


Dear Dad, James Edgar Roberts...
Thank you for all you have done to see us be okay.
I've only seen you cry once... but I hardly remember it.
You have shown me the grace of being an individual and to be able to give back... when able.
It's you that makes this world a better place. You make that difference in someone's life.
I won't try to fill your shoes, I'll fill my own... right next to yours.

I love you, Pops.

I Can Taste It

"When things go wrong, as they sometimes will...
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high...
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit."

These recent times have been really hard on me, as with many others I'm sure.
Sigh.

But in the dark ally of my life where I currently reside, I can taste... something.
Almost as though I'm on the brink of touching what's next for me. I feel it.

I recently had my 2nd job interview for a non-profit that offers counseling for families dealing with child abuse. A non-profit. It's what I've always wanted to do! Help give back to my community while in a workplace. This job seems almost meant for me... I'm still crossing my fingers to hear back from them.

I also recently went off of unemployment to get on disability since I had baby Abby. It's the only way to continue getting some sort of an income without getting in trouble with the state.

Since then, I applied for disability and now waiting for my first check... which could take a month. My little family will be relying on Mr. Tony to pay bills until then. It's a scary situation for me.

I'm in limbo. Waiting for that check to come in and then planning the next move after that runs out and continue looking for a job... OR getting the final "you're hired" from the non-profit within that month.

Like my life's next steps are dangled over my head. All the different directions I could possibly go... just waiting. I can taste something. Something, one of the paths, is about to drop on my lap. I can feel it. And when it does, it's hit-the-ground-running.

I've been preparing to prepare, to prepare. I'm ready. I'm anxious. I'm tired of the doubt and feeling heavy from life's tribulations that's been thrown at me.

In closing and to myself:

Dear Self,
"The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are...
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit."

God bless.

"I"

...continued from "Suppleness" July 14th (but not as deep):

*I LOVE peanut butter on my waffles.

*I have just enough will-power to get things started... but not enough to be consistant (stupid chocolate).

*I now realize, more than ever, that consideration is key. Why can't you just be a good person? Hold the door open for someone behind you. Let someone go in front of you in a grocery store if they have less items than you (are you really in a hurry?)... Cause secretly, you could have made an impact on their day that maybe, just maybe... they'll pay-it-forward. It's a beautiful thing.

*I'm afraid of thunderstorms.

*I HAVE to have a glass of milk with buttered popcorn. Such a great combo.

*Random: Whatever happened to those chip-like things called "Bugles"? Tasty.

*Speaking of food. I've been craving Twizzlers. Mmm. The craving hit after I ate a licorice flavored jelly bean. HA!

*I would LOVE to visit Africa or Thailand one day... one day.

*...sometimes, I forget to brush my teeth in the morning. I'm just too busy eating!

*I believe the American people need to slow down. Do something you love for at least 10min. a day.

*I'm one of those rare people in the world that loves egg nog.

*I'm not too fond of the State Fair. You gotta have the right company I guess.

*I believe first impressions are everything. Maybe the occasional seconds.

*I know that I'm too hard on myself and I always expect the worst. I guess that way if the outcome is the worst... I won't be so disappointed. AND so I work harder.

*I'm still stuck between a PC and a MAC. *sigh*.

*My favorite food: Good ol' grilled hot dogs with ketchup... and a bun (not toasted, please).

*I've learned to be more frugal with my money. My goal is to rely on myself and to never have to ask for help to pay bills. So far, so good.

*I'm very impatient.

*If you say you're gonna do something... than do it. All the talking is just irritating.

*My list of drinks- in no particular order- I would like to drinkie-poo when I'm able after Abby pops out:
1.) Hot Venti White Mocha 2.) Mimosa in a LARGE glass 3.) Sam Adams Summerfest in a bigger glass! 3.) Sangria from Paesano's on Capitol and 4.) Irish Car Bomb.
Please Note: Not to be consumed in one sitting.

Time

7 minutes and counting... at the library.

My weekly visit to the library is now a part of my life.
I quickly whip around cyberspace, not to waste my time... pay bills, check accounts, read email, look for a job, research/compare baby-everything. I try to get the best use that I can for that one hour I get at each visit.

...my life is now on a time restraint.

Getting ready for a newborn has been stressful. Signing up for breastfeeding, babycare, healthy pregnancy, safety, and lamaze... all which I am excited about, but it's just the anticipation of a new soul. A new soul that I will be caring for for the rest of my life. I feel like I'll never be ready for this. Which causes me to stress out.

I'm anxious about finding a new job after our little bundle of joy arrives. Needing to have another income for the family is a must- but how long will it take me to find one? Where will I be a few months from now? An anxiety attack slowly creeps in...

I think about what kind of time I'll have after she comes. What about daycare?

...Then... I start thinking of the timeline from when I'll be able to start working out again, what age does she need to be potty trained? Stress... of numbers.

The 2nd bedroom is almost put together. Everyday as I pass by the room, I start to panic.
Our apartment turned out to be smaller than anticipated. The 2nd bedroom is the office/guest room/baby room. Can you imagine how tiny it is? I think about our little space that's left and I fall into... an anxiety attack.

I thought my life was busy and I had no time while I had a job. But the mother role, I already feel, will be the biggest, toughest job of my life. My life will now be permenatly ran by a clock.
That makes me sweat.

I've been unemployed for about 4 months now. Which seems 4 months too long. I do feel as though it's a blessing in disguise, but some days I wish I was working.

My day consists of waking up by 8am, making Tony's lunch, run to the library, drop off mail, clean the apartment, read up on baby books, think ahead and list needs for when I go into labor, work out... eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, and make sure I'm hydrated. Organize, organize, Tv, Tv, Tv... ugh. Mindless.

This is long and I start getting a twitch in my eye when I think of everything.
I need to let go, not stress over the things I can't control, take one day at a time... blah, blah, blah.

Easier said than done. I WANT ICE CREAM.

6 days: Abby's baby shower.
Less than 2 months: My water breaks.
A lifetime: Raising a being.

Make-Shift

"Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you-
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace...
The world keeps on spinning, You can't stop it, if you try to.
This time it's danger staring you in the face.."

-Des'ree- You Gotta Be


Just breathe.

My life seems to be shifting so fast these past two months. All the planning, thinking-through... I'm exhausted.

I'll be moving into my Love's house with his three roomies, the three roomies I've known for years. I'm excited and nervous just the same. It'll only be for a few months until my love and I move into our own place. We're looking into houses- 2 to 3 bedrooms.

I asked him the other day:

Are you nervous?
...he thought for a few seconds- No.
Really? You're not nervous to live with me again? I replied
No. I believe that we've both grown up and that we're both able and willing to make it work this time around. He looks at me with a sparkle in his eye.
...you make me so happy.

Move-in day is in two weeks and I've had no energy to pack anything. I'd walk around my apartment and soak it in. I've been there for almost three years. My first apartment... all by myself. I've learned so much and watched myself grow there. I'll be sad when I leave, but I hope another single gal moves in... she'll love it.