1 Week (plus some): Post-Knee Surgery

Day 5
For the first handful of days, I stayed in bed. By the 5th day, a Tuesday, I was over it and was desperate for a shower. Tony left with the babies (work/school/daycare) and I willed myself off the bed. I took it slow and had to strategically strip down and get into the shower... somehow. Each move mattered and one mistake could mean being down, found naked (not a sight to see. ha). I REFUSED to let that happen.

Stitches, bruises and bandages

Taking off my bandages, my stomach turned. I never had surgery, never had stitches. Seeing my knee like this was hard. I gently touched my skin, much of the area still numb. I cried. I never thought I'd have surgery. Surreal.

Okay. Suck it up, Jenn! Into the shower I went. It was the first time standing up for a long period of time. Not long into washing my hair, boo-boo knee was getting heavier and the pain was getting intense, I felt my color drop. Ut oh. My good leg hurting from supporting my bum leg, shower walls started spinning and then, there goes my stomach. As quickly as I could, back out of the shower (but not before shaving my legs) and hobbled to collapse on my bed. I was alone and I was scared. Can I really do this alone?

Phone buzzes. It's mom and dad... and they're on their way with chocolate filled croissants. Yesss. Saved!

Day 6, 7... and then some. 
The next few days, my parents came over and made breakfast and coffee for me. I needed my mommy... she knew it (and loved it... and so did I). 

1, 2, 3, 4... the 4th is in my room.

The workweek spanned and the days were filled with visitors - tasty dinners, flowers, morning coffee in the backyard, much laughing, lunchdates, and something so special - reconnecting. It felt so good and my spirits lifted in those moments. I'm still in awe of how many people have reached out to me and my family.

A note to you all - continue to do so, not just to me... but to others too. What you've done to help has been incredible in so many ways, in ways you couldn't imagine. I hope to return the blessing.

When I didn't have visitors, I watched movies I've always wanted to watch, caught up on magazines (I love paper and the fresh magazine smell) that have been piled high on my dresser... or spent gazing out the window from the bed and taking in quiet moments. There were days I remember thinking: Mmmm. Bliss.

...days continued to pass. Slowly. Days turned into evenings. Evenings which were filled with bingeing on the TV show Suits, Percocet, and eventually... more grumblings. What day is it? Only THURSDAY!? Sigh. I can only do this for so long.

Oh! I did have a date with my Physical Therapist - he was impressed with how straight my leg was. Apparently most people come in after their ACL surgery and their knees are bent so they have to work on straightening them? Whew. And when I flex my boo-boo knee's quad, his eyes got big. "You are already doing great! and further along than what I'm used to seeing right after surgery. This is great. Here's some homework I want you to do." Ugh. Homework. I've always sucked at homework. Before Tony and I left, I had to make Jeff, the PT, confirm that my knee is this gangster because I worked out. He agreed. And I happily skipped out of his office, figuratively. (sigh. I can't wait to skip again. Grumble, grumble.)

What day is it?
Mr. Tony was talking about his Monday schedule (tomorrow). I retorted with "Uh, It's only Saturday." Him and Abby laughed at me. It's Sunday. "You're losing your mind, Mom". Fair enough... because I definitely feel like I am.

How is it only a little over a week since surgery? It's 1 week and I have MONTHS to go in this recovery.  I'm already over it. Insert ugly cry here.

One day at a time, Jenn.

I'm being tormented by people traveling, sharing amazing stories of places and things. I WANT to travel and explore, savor adventures and grand outdoorsy stuff! I WANT to just get up and go as I please. I WANT to be able to sit on the floor, play with my babies and easily get up. I WANT to use BOTH of my legs... even more tears.

BUT this is me and my journey. No one else's. I need to stay focused on what I'm trying to do and rebuild. It's not easy pulling myself back in once I've derailed (I blame Facebook). Sigh. But when I do, I'm okay.

And so, hmmmm. What adventures can I do with what I have? Dear Pinterest...

#littlethingseveryday #onedayatatime #rebuild

P.S. I start back at work this week. Working from home, but to get back into the trenches with the team in any way, I can't wait.

Day 4: Post-Knee Surgery

DAY 4
Yep. 4 days in. My legs are woolly, my hair is greasy, and thanks to Noah still in diapers, it's been buttwipes bathing for me - "pits and bits". Bleh. I am... a hot mess.

I've been in bed for 4 straight days... looking at the same 4 walls. I've been laying down for so long, my butt hurts and the room spins when I sit up. So much drugs, I don't feel like myself. 

Through all the pain and grime, I'm still greeted with sunshine. The handful of messages and visitors - dinner, cards, treats, care packages... and conversations (to the best of my groggy ability).

 I'm completely vulnerable. I'm in the most raw state possible and I don't like it. But, it's your unconditional love - family, friends, teammates, that has been absolutely comforting. ♡


*deep breath - just 4 days into this journey and so many soul-shifting "ah ha" moments already. ‪#‎littlethingseveryday‬ ‪#‎kneesurgery‬ ‪#‎findthegood‬

Day 1 & 2: Post-Knee Surgery

DAY 1 - ACL Surgery 
4:30am - alarm goes off.
5:10am - mom arrives, picking me up in all my sleepy and PJ glory... old, battered crutches in hand. I kiss my sleeping family goodbye and into the van I went.
5:45am - arrive at Kaiser Folsom and get checked in.

I'm a nervous wreck, but why? All I can think of is because of the "unknown" - that and the fact I strongly dislike hospitals! So sterile, smells funny, sick patients... and tons of scary beeping and blinking lights.

7:45am - got done speaking to 6 medical staffmates, all who were funny and amazing. That was a relief since I was near tears the entire time. I confirmed to receive an autograft (not a dead person, allograft) and then the "bartender" administers the good stuff into my IV. All I remember is mom holding my hand on my right, nurses at the foot of the bed and Dr. Jaki to my left. I finally felt relaxed... AND THEN... I came to... 3 hours later.

I was awake but my eyes were still closed. I remember being in excruciating pain and begging for help. That's when the bartender gave me a nerve block via my groin area. I open my eyes and start crying. I asked for my husband. I hear mom... then I hear Mr. Tony. *deep breath

What was to be a short surgery turned into a bit longer one. From my original MRI, we saw something with the MCL. Torn? But we thought nothing of it - apparently when he went in, it was a definite tear and so he fixed my MCL too. Double-whammy.

11:30am - Mr. Tony helps me get dressed and takes me home. We're greeted with my favorite flowers (Gerbera Daisies) and a note from my team. Such a beautiful and thoughtful surprise! Tony gets me situated - feeling sick and zombie-like, I sleep for the rest of the day.

Biggest boo-boo yet

DAY 2 (so far)
7am - Paiiinnn. So much pain. :/ My butt is sore from laying on my back for so long.
I move to make my way to the bathroom and felt almost everything! The nerve block is slowing fading away. My leg is heavy, I'm shaking... finally got myself onto the toilet but apparently not all the way. Jennie Jenn Jen made a bit of a mess. Sigh. Drugs, please.

9am - Breakfast in bed, coffee and got some loves and hugs from Ms. Abigail. Noah just wanted to run and stick his hand in our toilet. Ha. Boys are so gross. I read messages from friends, had some visitors, and threats from mom (because I got up twice without Tony around).

12pm - Leg is propped up and I have an ample amount of books, magazines, ...and starting back up with this blog. Lucky for me, I'm right next to a window that faces my backyard - rose bushes, trees... so much green and that's calming.

All that's missing? A big ol slice of extra chocolatey cake (and a tall, cold glass of milk)!

P.S. Mr. Tony will be home with me for the next week of recovery. He has been patient and amazing - I know caring for me, the babies/their schedules, and the home itself is not an easy feat; I anticipate seeing rough days. But already, thanks to your hugs, love, visits, and messages, we feel we have the best support! Friends and family instantly jumped in, helping out with playdates for Abbs and homemade dinners.

We can say "thank you" all day, even that would never reach the depth of gratitude we have for everyone and everything... thank you, thank you, thank you.

P.P.S. Drugs, please.

2015: Year of Intent

I called it. Kindof.
I KNEW going into 2014 (Year of the Contender), there would be definite sacrifices, brutal battles, and acts of survival... because of having a new baby. What I DIDN'T know was that all of this would be true... but not because of a new baby.

Little Nohie (his story) has been one incredible baby. He's 6mths now. So mellow, happy, a great eater and sleeper... and predictable. He's been a beautiful boy - and apparently, the universe knew I needed an easy-going baby.

This year's struggle was elsewhere, in all other faucets. I can easily say that 2014 was the worst year... even with 5 days left in it. Once New Years Eve comes, I will stand with whatever is left in me and joyously, with tears streaming down my face, count down to shut down this year.

To explain all that has happened, I fear won't do any of it justice (then again, I don't believe it deserves any). I only wish you knew. During this year, I lost the will to truly live. Not in the way of ending my own life, but just being a shell. Completely lifeless. Going day in and day out. 2014, I morn the death of my spirit.

2015 is around the corner - it was Mid-December and I knew what the new year's theme was going to be. Setting the stage:

There was a span of a few mornings in November - I woke up feeling drained, looked at the clock: 5:45am... and went about my day. It happened again the following morning - woke up feeling drained, looked at the clock: 5:45am... AGAIN!

Where the hell did my day go? What did I even do yesterday? Waking up and apparently living each day these past few months in a drone-like state. That was an unfortunate variable in this new year's theme.

But it was late November, when I was truly inspired and Robert "Bob" Chase was the biggest catalyst. Bob fell seriously ill around Thanksgiving... passing a few weeks later (on his 68th birthday). I loved and adored him - no one will ever understand how he impacted by life during and after his own.

On the day of his service, with much heartache, I had my own private time to say goodbye. It was then, during that drizzling afternoon, sitting on the bench near his new resting place - I knew it.

2015: Year of Intent

I lost myself this year. With Bob's passing, I was reminded again that really, life is short and the moments should matter. So many emotions raged from that - scared, anxious... and inspired.

This year, I will live my eulogy.

“living eulogy.

she danced.

she sang. she took.

she gave.

she loved.

she created.

she dissented. she enlivened.

she saw. she grew. she sweated.

she changed.

she learned. she laughed.

she shed her skin.

she bled on the pages of her days,

she walked through walls,

she lived with intention.”

― Mary Anne Radmacher

Noah James

3:15am... the pain was much worse than the past few hours.
"Tony... Tony! I think this is it!"...I roll out of bed in time for my water to break all over the floor. Yep. That was it.

I'll spare the details of the labor. But know it was quick, excruciating, scary at times...

Wednesday, June 25th @ 6:48am. 
A very happy birthday to our little Noah James Rodriguez... or as Abby calls him "Noah Bear".
(I've always called Tony "Papa Bear" even before babies... so when Abby joyfully announced "Noah Bear", it was fate.)

Noah = a name we found in a baby book. We loved the way it sounded with "Abby" and "Rodriguez".
James = after my dad - James Edgar Roberts.

He's the most darling little boy and is thriving, already weighing in at 10pds (2wks after birth). He is amazing in every way - great sleeper, great feeder... he's always calm unless he's hungry and the sweetest little coo'er.

I consider him my miracle baby.

1. During labor, his heart-rate would slow to almost flatline during contractions. The most gut-wrenching sound, the slowing of his heartbeat... I was determined that he made it.
2. I've wanted a son, but was sure it wasn't going to be in my stars. But here he is. 
3. The first grandson for both sides of the family.
4. No colic. That is a miracle in itself.
5. His first 2wks of life, I can't express what I've been faced with. But it's him that reminded me of so much I've lost touch with during this time - he gave me a new sense of life that I've been needing.
6. Abby is my angel baby (her story)... and little Noah, my miracle baby.

We're over the moon in love and excited to be a family of four. Abby loves on him often and always wants to be near and help out with her "baby brother." I will admit she is a bit more sassy now and is looking for extra affection - which she has the right and we're happy to give it.

Change of a Lifetime

To reiterate what I recently posted on Facebook:

 "I knew going into 2014, there will be change and challenges with a new baby, Abby starting Kindergarten, and ultimately resetting family routine... and now, today, another opportunity of huge change for our family was finally just set into motion. Hoping to share the news soon." 

I'm finally able to share. But I need you to truly understand and feel the depth of this new chapter - here's some background.

Understand that ever since Tony has been able to work, he's always, always had 2 - 3 jobs and always, always ran hard 10-15hr days, 7 days a week, at times including college classes:

• Starting at the age of 13 - mowing lawns (to buy comic books) 
• Gary's Tuxedos - 1yr 
• Del Paso Country Club - 1yr
• Round Table Pizza - off and on for ~5yrs 
• Bonney & Gordon - 4yrs 
• Sports Authority - 6yrs 
• San Juan Unified School District - the entire 13yrs 

I've watched (and still watch) him day in and day out, getting up every morning with no complaints and head into work. When I think about it... he's never complained about going into work. And he's the kind of man that won't give in to play hookey just for a day. He's dedicated.

His work ethic is beyond any other and besides the need to pay bills... he's done all this because he loved his jobs. Especially the San Juan Unified School District.

Up to this point, he's had 2 jobs these past ten years... and then an opportunity was presented to Tony. One that would be against his (our) norm, change our daily routine... and our family time. This opportunity did take time for the details to come together and all the while, took Tony months of carefully thinking and planning those details. Weighing the options, stressing, and losing sleep - What's best for the family? 

The decision was finally made.

It is with a very heavy heart for Mr. Tony, that he'll be saying goodbye and parting ways from the 13yrs with the San Juan Unified School District.

It's leaving those babies he's watched from preschool, to who still visits Tony even now that those same babies, are almost out of high school. Saying goodbye to the kids is what hurts him the most. And me too.

I just loved his stories he had everyday after work. Things the kids did or said, what he's proud about, his concerns and hopes for them. He knows all of their stories and family lives. He knows their siblings and close with their parents... this will be Tony's last week at SJUSD.

Mr. Anthony James has accepted a full-time manager position at Sports Authority.

In all his jobs, he's worked hard. Nothing different with this one. Sports Authority acknowledges his incredible work ethic and leadership skills. He's turned 2 stores around and took them to rank top in the region... and they see his teammates looking to him as their mentor.

With this acceptance, he now has only one job. ONE full-time job... did you hear my heavy sigh?

He'll now have two COMPLETE days off. He'll now be able to join me and Abby with outings and friend/family gatherings, holidays. NOW, I won't have to worry as much about him running so hard with little sleep. NOW, Tony and I will be able to see more of each other... more... of everything.

I'm starting to cry.

I can breathe... and he'll be able to sleep.  Yes, we're both nervous about this giant leap of faith. Working with his new schedule, reworking our daily routine with Abby's school dropoff/pickup, and wondering about bills... but overall, I'm humbled, so proud... and very much grateful.

To Mr. Tony.  I love you.  

Like Father, Like Son

Family of 3.5

2014: Year of the Contender

"3... 2... 1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!" 
One of the sweetest little countdowns (next to the cake timer). Unfortunately, I had a growing fear of this specific countdown... and there was no option of resetting it before the buzzer.

2012 was one of the craziest years - I was planning my wedding in under 7mths. I can tell you all about stress and hair loss! There was no time for thinking of anything else. I counted down 2012 as a blurry one. I was determined to make the next year, my year. I wanted to bring myself back from the blur, to make something so grand of the new months... and to actually have time to enjoy it.

2013 unexpectedly became a "bucket list" theme. And as the list grew, so did my glow and zest for life with each undertaking I checked off... one by one. Who does that?!
I, maybe one of the rare souls, can actually say... I lived. And it was beautiful. I was brought back to life this past year and I can't even breakdown the list of the solo/family adventures or the secret details that made my days. Yes, there was much heartache at times... but looking at 2013 overall, hands down, will be remembered as the greatest year of my life. So far.

One of the biggest dreams that was on my bucket list, was to grow our family... and we checked that one right off! We're expecting! Tony and I are over the moon with this news and seeing Tony's face light up whenever he sees the baby bump, is one of the best sights to see. Baby Rodriguez will arrive in late June/early July of 2014.

So, as 2013 was coming to a close, it really hit hard. We're welcoming our second child which means, in the midst of such a beautiful blessing, I'm also predicting an abundance of struggles, sacrifices, and walking the line of defeat. *deep breath. 
My heart sank.

Remembering life when we brought Abby home 4 years ago. My postpartum, our unforeseen financial situation... I became paralyzed with fear for what we'll be enduring this year. If it will be anything like it was then, or similar to, /shaking head... I can't even imagine.

It's true. Times are different now and we're in a much better place. We even have life-with-new-baby experience under our belts, so that's a plus, right? Wrong. Even so, all of that means nothing to me. Why? Because times are different and so, once again, everything is an "unknown".

I finally concluded this year's theme - Year of the Contender

Rodriguez vs. Life

This year will be of survival. Not only with society but also professionally (my first pregnancy/post-baby while employed), and of course, personally. I'll be battling against other's opinions, working 10x harder to hit deadlines... and facing my own demons.

I'll be honest. I'm deathly afraid of this year and what challenges 2014 has in store. All I know to survive, it'll take a lot of things... but above all, fight.

I'm back in the arena.